Responding to Grief, Loss, and Mourning in Loved Ones

  

We have all been there. 

A family member, friend or close work colleague experiences the death of a loved one.  Now what? What do we say or do?  We may attend the funeral or Shiva and assume we have done our part in being a support, but the mourning process takes longer than most people think.  We may feel overwhelmed with our own feelings and be confused with what to do.  How can we be there for someone who is bereaved?  Although the grief and mourning process is unique to each individual, there are some ways you can be of help.  

Suggestions for helping the bereaved

• Reach out well after the Shiva is over; Mourning is a long, complicated process. 
• It’s ok to mention the name of the loved one; the person is often thinking of them anyway.
• Offer concrete kinds of help, e.g. laundry, meals, carpool, groceries, and babysitting.
• Listen to the mourner’s experience; don’t talk about yours.
• Anticipate that the first anniversaries, birthdays and holidays without their loved one can be difficult; Ask how they might like to spend that day.
• Avoid pat or cliché answers such as “It’s for the best. He’s no longer suffering.” However well-intentioned these are, they are often experienced as painful by the bereaved.
• Learn about grief and mourning.  Some suggestions of books are on our website.
• Your Presence is the best present you can give.

By utilizing these suggestions, you can be better prepared to be there for the bereaved in your life. You can also suggest that they contact JCFS to speak with the Outreach and Bereavement specialist, Elizabeth Siegel Cohen at (847) 745-5404 or elizabethcohen@jcfs.org  for information on bereavement counseling, groups and classes in their area.

May is Mental Health Month: Processing Feelings and Traumatic World Events

Recent high profile acts of violence such as the Boston Marathon Bombing or the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary can confuse and frighten children who may feel in danger or worry that their friends or loved-ones are at risk.  While there are many articles and tips for helping children to process traumatic events, adults may also struggle with processing their feelings,  perhaps thinking so much about a national tragedy that it can be paralyzing, or blocking it out entirely and then feeling guilty as a result.

“All of these are natural reactions,” says Charlotte Mallon, Director of Training and J-CERT emergency response at Jewish Child & Family Services.  “What’s important,” says Mallon, “is to know yourself and what you need when facing ‘bad things.’” Some people may need more sleep, connecting to others, or just someone to talk to,” says Mallon.  “Adults need to be sensitive to their own needs and reactions first, in order to be able to help children.”

“It’s like on the airplane where adults are advised to put on their own oxygen mask first,” says Mallon.  “And remember to follow your own advice.  Helping your child to express his or her fears and feelings, or limiting exposure to news coverage, may benefit you as well.”

Anger, guilt, fatigue, fear, hopelessness are all among the common reactions to trauma, according to the Association of Traumatic Stress Specialists and the Family Assistance Foundation.  This may result in interruptions in sleeping patterns or changes in eating habits, among other reactions, all of which children may notice.  “Even young children sense that something is wrong,” says Kathy Ham, Coordinator of Early Childhood at the Virginia Frank Child Development Center, “and may act it out in their play and their behavior.”

Children react differently at different ages (see this helpful guide from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration on Tips for Talking With and Helping Children and Youth Cope After a Disaster or Traumatic Event.)  “Will they be okay?  Will something happen to Mom and Dad?” may be questions on their minds,” says Ham.  “Children may be needier, clingy and want to spend more time with caregivers.  It’s important to get back to schedule as soon as possible.”

  “If you’ve recently experienced a personal loss, national tragedies my stir up additional emotions as well,” says Mallon.  “If you have the flu, you know to give yourself some extra TLC.  The same applies when you are facing emotional stress.”  And, just as you have your ‘go to’ remedies, be it cough syrup or chicken soup, know what you need to face your feelings, to be prepared, and don’t be afraid to reach out for help for yourself as well.

About J-CERT

J-CERT is available with 35 trained clinicians ready to respond to the needs of schools, synagogues, and other community agencies or organizations in times like this.  We are trained in the NOVA (National Organizations for Victims’ Assistance) group crisis intervention model as well as the IRTE (Immediate Restructuring of Traumatic Events) and are able to respond to an organization’s request for support services when difficult things occur.  For each intervention, we tailor the intervention to meet the specific needs of the organization and come prepared with follow-up resources should anyone need a more intense follow-up.  It is essential that the adults in a system get the care they need to provide support and nurturing to the children in that system.  The goal of a J-CERT intervention is to assist the organization to resume functioning as soon as possible. 

If you would like to explore whether J-CERT is needed by your community organization, please either call or email Charlotte Mallon, 312-617-2132, charlottemallon@jcfs.org  

About May Mental Health Month

For more than 60 years, Mental Health America and its affiliates across the country have led the observance of May is Mental Health Month by reaching millions of people through the media, local events and screenings. This year's theme is Pathways to Wellness. Visit Mental Health America for fact sheets, calendar of events and more.

Photo Credit:  Chris Violette on Flickr